7 traits of people who can never say no without feeling bad

I have a confession to make. I’m a recovering people-pleaser. I used to struggle with saying no, and I know I’m not alone in this. There are many of us who feel a pang of guilt or discomfort whenever we utter that two-letter word. But why is that?

In my journey towards becoming more assertive and self-assured, I’ve come to identify seven common traits among those of us who grapple with saying no without feeling bad.

These traits aren’t just about people-pleasing; they’re also tied to our roles as parents, friends, and community members. They can affect how we set boundaries, how we communicate, and ultimately, how we view ourselves.

Join me as we delve into these seven traits and explore how understanding them can help us reclaim the power of a well-placed ‘no’.

1) Empathy overload

If we take a close look at those of us who find it difficult to say ‘no’, the first trait that often stands out is an overabundance of empathy.

We’re the kind of people who can read a room like a book. We feel others’ emotions as if they were our own. This heightened sense of empathy can be a beautiful thing. It makes us great listeners, supportive friends, and understanding parents.

But here’s the flip side: when we’re confronted with a request, we can’t help but put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.

We imagine how disappointed, upset, or inconvenienced they might feel if we were to decline their request. This makes saying ‘no’ feel like an act of unkindness.

We tend to forget that it’s okay to prioritize our own needs and feelings. It’s important to remember that saying ‘no’ doesn’t make us unkind or selfish. It’s simply an assertion of our boundaries and respect for our own time and energy.

Being empathic is a beautiful trait, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of our own well-being.

2) Fear of conflict

I’ll be the first to admit it, I used to be terrified of conflict. The mere thought of someone being upset with me would send me into a spiral of anxiety.

This fear was so ingrained in me that I would often agree to things I didn’t want to, just to avoid potential confrontation.

This trait is common among those of us who struggle with saying ‘no’. We’d rather inconvenience ourselves than risk causing a rift or disagreement.

I recall a time when a friend asked for my assistance in moving house, on a day I had set aside for some much-needed self-care. I remember the knot in my stomach as I considered telling her ‘no’.

The fear of her being upset or feeling let down was overwhelming. So, I said ‘yes’, and spent that day lifting boxes instead of recharging.

It took me a while to understand that saying ‘no’ doesn’t automatically lead to conflict. Most people understand and respect boundaries.

And even if it does cause some tension, it’s important to remember that conflict is a part of life and it’s often through these challenging moments that our relationships deepen and grow stronger.

Listening to our needs and asserting them is not just okay, but absolutely necessary.

3) High need for approval

Did you know that our brain is wired to seek approval? It’s a survival instinct from our primitive days. In ancient times, being part of a group meant increased chances of survival.

Therefore, those who were able to gain approval and fit in with the group were more likely to survive.

Fast forward to the present day, and this instinct hasn’t quite left us. Some of us feel this need more strongly than others, and it’s particularly prevalent among those of us who find it difficult to say ‘no’.

We long for validation and acceptance from others, often going out of our way to please them, even at the cost of our own well-being.

The key is to recognize this trait and understand that we don’t need to please everyone all the time. Our worth is not determined by how much we can do for others but by who we are as individuals.

Saying ‘no’ doesn’t make us less likable; instead, it shows that we respect our boundaries and value our time and energy.

4) Over-responsibility

Here’s another trait I’ve noticed in those of us who struggle with saying ‘no’: we tend to shoulder more responsibility than necessary. We often feel like it’s our duty to keep everybody happy and everything running smoothly.

It’s as if we’re carrying a heavy backpack filled with everybody else’s needs, wants, and expectations. And this backpack keeps getting heavier each time we say ‘yes’ when we really want to say ‘no’.

This over-responsibility can stem from various places. It could be a result of our upbringing or past experiences where we had to step up and take care of others.

And while it’s commendable to be reliable and dependable, carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders is neither sustainable nor fair to ourselves.

We need to remember that we’re not solely responsible for other people’s happiness or the smooth running of everything around us.

It’s okay, and indeed healthy, to share the load and say ‘no’ when we need to. We’re individuals with our own needs and limits, not superheroes with unlimited energy and resources.

5) Low self-esteem

I’ve spent many years wrestling with self-esteem issues.

I used to believe that my worth was tied to what I could do for others. If I could help, support, or please them, then I was valuable. If not, then I felt worthless.

This belief led me to say ‘yes’ more often than I should have. Rejecting a request felt like rejecting myself – like admitting I was not good enough.

However, I’ve come to understand that my worth is not defined by my ability to meet everyone’s needs or expectations. It’s okay to decline requests that don’t align with my capacity or priorities.

Saying ‘no’ is not a reflection of my worth. It’s a statement of my boundaries and a recognition of my own needs and limitations. It’s a sign of self-respect and self-love. And it’s a journey that’s well worth taking.

6) Guilt-driven decisions

Guilt is a powerful emotion. It has the capacity to cloud our judgment and lead us into making decisions that aren’t in our best interest. This is especially true for those of us who struggle with saying ‘no’.

We often say ‘yes’ because we feel guilty about the possibility of letting someone down or not meeting their expectations.

We worry about being perceived as selfish or uncaring, so we agree to things that we may not have the time, energy, or desire to do.

The truth is, guilt is not a helpful decision-making tool. It’s an emotional reaction that can often mislead us. Learning to separate guilt from our decision-making process is a crucial step towards being able to say ‘no’ without feeling bad.

It’s important to remember that we have the right to make choices based on our own needs and capabilities, not just on the potential reactions of others. Saying ‘no’ doesn’t make us selfish; it makes us self-aware.

7) Lack of self-care

This is perhaps the most important piece of the puzzle.

Those of us who find it hard to say ‘no’ often neglect self-care. We’re so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs that we forget about our own. We’re running on empty, yet we continue to give.

The truth is, we can’t pour from an empty cup. We can’t fully show up for others if we’re not taking care of ourselves first. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential.

It’s okay to set aside time for ourselves, to rest, recharge, and do things that make us happy.

It’s okay to prioritize our well-being. And sometimes, that means saying ‘no’ to others so we can say ‘yes’ to ourselves.

Final thoughts: It’s all about balance

The beauty of this journey lies in the balance it brings. On one side, we have our innate compassion, empathy, and desire to help others. On the other side, we have our own needs, limits, and the desire for self-care.

The American psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “You will either step forward into growth or you will step back into safety.” And that’s exactly what this is about – stepping forward into growth.

Learning to say ‘no’ is about growing into a person who can balance their own needs with those of others. Who can stand their ground while still being kind and empathetic. Who can take care of themselves as much as they take care of others.

Next time you’re on the verge of saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’, remember this: it’s okay to put yourself first. It’s not selfish; it’s self-love. And self-love is the first step towards a balanced, fulfilling life.