7 things parents say that can crush a child’s confidence for life, according to a psychologist

Parenting is an art, and like any art form, it’s subject to missteps. One such misstep could be saying something seemingly harmless, but which can unintentionally damage a child’s confidence, sometimes for life.

As a psychologist, I’ve seen firsthand the long-term effects certain phrases parents say can have on their children. It’s not about blaming or shaming, it’s about understanding and making better choices for our children’s emotional well-being.

In the spirit of fostering positive parenting and boosting our children’s self-esteem, I’m going to share with you seven things parents often say that can crush a child’s confidence for life.

The aim is not to make you feel guilty or overwhelmed but to empower you with knowledge so you can consciously choose your words when engaging with your little ones.

1) “You’re just like…”

Comparison is a trap that we often fall into as parents. It can seem harmless, especially when it’s between siblings or peers. But in reality, it can be a confidence crusher for the child on the receiving end.

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Your cousin is so good at math, why aren’t you?” These phrases imply that the child is less than or lacking in some way, compared to someone else. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.” Comparing children with others doesn’t foster their ability to learn and change, rather it makes them feel stuck in their perceived shortcomings.

It’s crucial as parents that we celebrate our children’s individuality and help them recognize their own strengths, rather than comparing them to others. We should aim to encourage growth based on their personal progress, not someone else’s.

2) “Don’t be so sensitive”

I remember when my daughter was four, she cried because her favorite teddy bear had a little tear on its ear. I found myself saying, “Don’t be so sensitive, it’s just a small tear, we can fix it.” It seemed like such a small thing at the time, but looking back, I realize it was a mistake.

Telling a child not to be so sensitive dismisses their feelings and teaches them to suppress their emotions. It’s like saying their feelings are not valid or important.

By telling our children not to be so sensitive, we are discouraging them from being vulnerable and expressing their emotions openly.

Instead of dismissing their sensitivity, we should teach them how to manage their emotions effectively. It’s important to validate their feelings and let them know it’s okay to feel deeply. After all, sensitivity is not a weakness, but a strength that fosters empathy and understanding.

3) “Why can’t you do anything right?”

Have you ever been frustrated and blurted out, “Why can’t you do anything right?” It’s a harsh phrase, and one that can deeply wound a child’s confidence.

Even said in passing or during moments of frustration, it sends the message to our kids that they’re not good enough, that their best effort simply isn’t enough. This can lead them to internalize the idea that they are failures, which is incredibly damaging to their self-esteem.

Famed psychologist Albert Bandura once stated, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy.” By telling our children they can’t do anything right, we are stripping them of this crucial self-efficacy.

Instead, we should aim to focus on the effort rather than the outcome. Praise their attempts, their resilience, and their courage to try. Even in failure, there are lessons to be learned and achievements to be acknowledged. Our words should build them up, not tear them down.

4) “I don’t have time for this”

As parents, our lives can be incredibly busy. There are days when it feels like there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. But phrases like “I don’t have time for this” can make children feel like they’re a burden or an inconvenience.

A study found that individuals who felt ignored or neglected by their parents during childhood had lower self-esteem and higher levels of psychological distress in adulthood.

When we brush off our children’s needs or concerns because we’re busy, we inadvertently send a message that they’re not important. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and insignificance, which can impact their confidence in the long run.

Instead of saying “I don’t have time for this,” it might be better to communicate honestly about our time constraints and reassure them that their concerns are valid and will be addressed as soon as possible. It’s crucial to make our children feel heard and valued, even in the midst of a busy schedule.

5) “You’re always in the way”

I remember when my son was little, he had a habit of following me around the house, always eager to be involved in whatever I was doing. And sometimes, without realizing it, I would sigh and say, “You’re always in the way.”

This phrase, even said out of exasperation, can make a child feel like a nuisance or an unwanted presence. It can breed feelings of rejection and can significantly dent their self-esteem. Our words can leave lasting imprints on our children’s hearts and minds.

As parents, it’s important to express our need for space or quiet time in a way that doesn’t make our kids feel like they’re bothersome. We should be mindful of our words and aim to cultivate an environment where they feel loved and welcomed, not in the way.

6) “You’re so smart”

It might surprise you to learn that even positive phrases like “You’re so smart” can potentially harm a child’s confidence. While it’s intended as praise, it can unintentionally create pressure for the child to always meet that expectation.

Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck’s research has shown that when we praise children for being smart, we might actually discourage them from taking on challenging tasks for fear of not living up to the ‘smart’ label.

They become more focused on maintaining the image of intelligence than on learning and growing.

Instead of praising inherent traits like intelligence, Dweck suggests praising effort, strategies, and progress. Phrases like “You worked really hard on this” or “I can see you’re getting better at this” can motivate children to continue learning and growing, without the fear of failing to meet certain labels.

7) “Stop crying”

Telling our children to “Stop crying” can be damaging to their emotional health. It implies that their feelings aren’t valid or important, and can cause them to suppress their emotions.

By allowing our children to express their emotions freely, we’re teaching them how to manage and understand their feelings, a crucial life skill.

Instead of telling them to stop crying, we should comfort them and help them navigate their feelings. Remember, it’s okay for children to cry. It’s a healthy way of expressing emotions.

Final reflections

The landscape of parenting is complex and challenging, marked with moments of joy, frustration, triumph, and uncertainty. Our words, often spoken in these varied moments, carry immense power and can shape our children’s self-image and confidence in profound ways.

As we navigate this challenging yet rewarding journey, it’s important to remember that our words act as mirrors reflecting back to our children who they are and what they can become. The phrases we choose to use can either build or break their confidence.

Recognizing this power and consciously choosing our words can make a significant difference in their lives. It’s not about striving for perfection but about growing and learning along with our children. After all, parenting is not just about raising children, it’s about raising ourselves too.

May our words be the stepping stones that empower our children to navigate life with confidence, resilience, and a deep sense of self-worth.