7 subtle behaviors of people who weren’t shown much affection as a child, says psychology

There’s a profound connection between our childhood experiences and our behaviors as adults. Psychology continuously underscores this link, revealing how a lack of affection during our formative years can subtly shape our actions and reactions in later life.

These behaviors aren’t glaringly obvious, but rather, they’re subtle indicators of past emotional deprivation. Don’t worry, they’re not signs of irreversible damage, but gentle reminders that healing is possible and necessary.

In this exploration, we’ll delve into seven subtle behaviors exhibited by individuals who didn’t receive much affection as children. Not as a means to judge or label, but to foster understanding and empathy.

This way, we can all move towards more compassionate relationships with ourselves and others.

Let’s dive in together on this enlightening journey.

1) Always seeking approval

One of the most common, yet subtle behaviors of individuals who weren’t shown much affection as a child is an incessant need for approval. This is often rooted in their childhood experiences where their attempts to gain affection were met with indifference or rejection.

This continual search for validation manifests in various ways. For some, it could mean striving for perfection in everything they do. For others, it might be a tendency to people-please or an over-reliance on external validation to feel worthy.

As the renowned psychologist, Carl Rogers once observed, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”

It’s about learning to find approval within oneself, rather than seeking it externally.

Remember, seeking approval isn’t inherently negative. It’s when it becomes a consuming factor in our lives that it can lead to self-doubt and hinder our growth. The key lies in striking a balance and understanding that our worth isn’t defined by others’ perceptions.

2) Difficulty expressing emotions

From personal experience, I know how tough this can be. Growing up, my family wasn’t big on emotional expression. “Toughen up”, “Don’t cry”, “Be strong” were common phrases I heard.

As a result, I struggled with sharing my feelings well into adulthood. It took therapy and intentional self-work to learn that emotions aren’t signs of weakness but an integral part of being human.

Famous psychologist Sigmund Freud once said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

This quote resonated with me deeply. It’s a reminder that it’s not only okay to have feelings but also crucial to express them.

Recognizing and understanding our emotions, and articulating them effectively is a skill we can all benefit from. It fosters healthier relationships with ourselves and others and promotes emotional wellbeing.

3) Fear of intimacy

Have you ever found yourself pushing people away, just when they’re getting too close? This could be a subtle sign of a lack of affection during childhood. It’s a raw and honest reality for many individuals, including myself at times.

Growing up with little affection can lead to a fear of intimacy in adulthood. We might fear that closeness will lead to rejection or hurt, so we build walls to protect ourselves. Yet, these same walls also keep out the love and connection we crave.

This is your powerful reminder that allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and form intimate relationships is part of our human nature.

Recognizing this fear and working towards overcoming it can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. It’s not an easy journey, but one that is well worth the effort.

4) Overachieving tendencies

This can manifest as an insatiable drive to succeed, often at the expense of personal health and relationships.

A study conducted by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, found a strong correlation between affection-deprived children and high-achieving adults.

The study suggests that these individuals often channel their unmet emotional needs into a relentless pursuit of success.

While ambition isn’t inherently negative, an overemphasis on achievements can lead to burnout and a sense of never being ‘enough’.

It’s important to remember that success isn’t solely defined by professional achievements but also by personal happiness and emotional well-being.

This tendency can help us find healthier ways to channel our drive and ambition, ensuring a more balanced approach to life.

5) Difficulty accepting compliments

Accepting compliments graciously can be challenging for those who didn’t receive much affection growing up. I’ve often found myself brushing off compliments or downplaying my achievements, a subtle behavior that I later realized was linked to my upbringing.

When you’re not used to receiving praise or affection, you may struggle to accept it even when it’s genuinely offered. This can stem from feelings of unworthiness, or a fear that accepting the compliment will make you vulnerable to hurt.

Self-love and acceptance are also about persistently challenging our negative self-beliefs and learning to accept kindness from others and ourselves.

This behavior can help us practice self-love and acceptance, leading to increased self-esteem and positive relationships.

6) Oversensitivity to criticism

Surprisingly, those who weren’t shown much affection as children can often be overly sensitive to criticism. This might seem counterintuitive. After all, if they’re used to neglect or indifference, shouldn’t they be immune to criticism?

The reality, however, is a bit more complex. For these individuals, any form of criticism – no matter how constructive – can be perceived as a rejection or confirmation of their deep-seated feelings of unworthiness.

Criticism, while uncomfortable, is an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.

Recognizing this sensitivity can help us develop resilience and learn to view criticism in a more positive light. It’s about stepping forward into growth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

7) Self-isolation

Finally, self-isolation can be a subtle sign of a lack of affection during childhood.

This doesn’t mean they always prefer to be alone. Rather, they might retreat into themselves as a protective measure, fearing rejection or hurt.

As psychologist Carl Jung insightfully pointed out, “Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself.”

Understanding this behavior can pave the way for more open, honest communication and meaningful connections. It’s about breaking down the walls we’ve built and allowing ourselves to be seen and understood.

Concluding reflections

The subtle behaviors we’ve explored, rooted in a lack of affection during childhood, are not meant to label or define anyone. Instead, they serve as gentle reminders of our resilience and capacity for growth and change.

Being aware of these behaviors in ourselves or others is the first step towards understanding, empathy, and healing. It’s about acknowledging our past, embracing our present, and shaping our future.

Just as a tree grows around the obstacles in its path, bending and twisting yet still reaching for the sky, we too can grow around our past experiences. They shape us, but they do not define us.

It’s never too late to learn, grow, and change. So let’s continue on this enlightening journey together, fostering understanding and compassion for ourselves and others along the way.