My parents showed me very little affection—having a child made me see these 10 traits I developed as a result

Affection wasn’t really a thing in my childhood home. My parents were good providers, but hugs, “I love yous,” and emotional check-ins? Not so much.

I didn’t think much of it until I had my own child. Then, suddenly, I was face-to-face with all the ways my upbringing had shaped me.

Some habits were harmless. Others—like struggling to express emotions or constantly overcompensating—felt like little landmines I kept stepping on.

So, I started paying attention. Not just to what I was doing as a parent, but why. And that’s where this list comes in.

These are the traits I’ve noticed in myself—the ones I suspect others with similar childhoods might recognize, too.

1) Overcompensation in affection

My parents were not the type to offer hugs and kisses freely.

As a child, I craved that physical reassurance of their love, and it was sorely missing.

As an adult and a parent, I found myself swinging to the other extreme. I showered my child with affection, hugs, kisses, and words of love.

It was almost as if I was trying to fill the void left from my own childhood.

However, this overcompensation wasn’t necessarily negative. It helped me realize just how important physical affection is for a child’s emotional development.

2) Difficulty in expressing emotions

Growing up, emotions were not openly discussed in our house.

My parents rarely shared how they felt, and this created an invisible barrier when it came to expressing my own feelings.

When I became a mom, I realized this emotional disconnect had followed me into adulthood.

For instance, when my daughter would cry, instead of instinctively comforting her, I found myself at a loss. It was as if I had never learned the language of emotions.

One day, after a particularly tough day at preschool, my daughter came home in tears. She was upset about a fight with her friend and was looking to me for comfort.

But instead of offering the reassurance she needed, I found myself awkwardly patting her back and changing the subject.

That night, I couldn’t shake off the guilt. It was clear to me that my inability to express emotions was affecting my child.

This realization pushed me to learn and grow. I started reading about emotional intelligence and how to communicate feelings effectively. It wasn’t easy, but with time, I began to open up emotionally.

Now, whether it’s joy or sadness, disappointment or excitement, I make sure we share our feelings as a family.

3) Hyper-awareness of rejection

Rejection is a tough pill to swallow for anyone. But for those who grew up with little affection, the fear of rejection can be magnified.

This could arise from the subconscious belief that if one’s parents could withhold affection, anyone else could too.

As a parent, this hypersensitivity to rejection can manifest in different ways. You might be overly cautious about your child’s friendships, relationships, or any situation where they might face rejection.

Interestingly, research has shown that people who experienced low levels of affection in childhood can develop a heightened sensitivity to social rejection in adulthood.

This response is not just emotional but physical too – with studies indicating that the brain processes social rejection similarly to physical pain.

4) A strong desire for control

Growing up without much affection from my parents, I often felt out of control.

This lack of control, I realized, translated into an intense need to control aspects of my adult life, especially in raising my child.

For instance, I found myself being overly protective and cautious, trying to plan and control each detail of my child’s life. From their daily routine to their future education plans, I was constantly trying to ensure everything was perfect.

However, over time, I realized that this desire for control was more about managing my own insecurities than about what was best for my child.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but acknowledging this helped me to start letting go.

I began to understand that while it’s important to guide our children, it’s equally essential to give them the freedom to explore, make mistakes, and learn on their own.

This balance between guidance and freedom is a delicate dance that I am still learning. But every day brings me a step closer to mastering it.

5) Overachieving tendencies

In my quest for parental approval, I often found myself working hard to excel in everything I did.

This habit carried into adulthood, translating into a constant need to be the best – the best student, the best employee, and eventually, the best parent.

I strived for perfection in every aspect of my life, driven by an inner voice that equated achievement with affection. It felt like if I could just do everything right, I would finally earn the love and approval I craved.

But being a parent made me realize that this was an unhealthy mindset. Parenting is not about perfection. It’s messy, it’s challenging, and it’s full of unexpected twists and turns.

6) The need to break the cycle

Perhaps one of the most profound realizations I had as a parent was the deep-seated desire to break the cycle.

I didn’t want my child to grow up feeling the lack of affection that I experienced in my childhood.

This desire fueled many of my actions and decisions as a parent. I consciously made an effort to demonstrate my love for my child, not just through words, but also through actions – spending quality time together, listening attentively, and being emotionally available.

Sometimes, it felt like I was learning a new language – the language of affection. There were times when it was challenging, and I stumbled.

But every step of the way, I was motivated by the love for my child and the determination to give them a different childhood experience.

7) Struggling with self-worth

One of the traits that surfaced in my journey as a parent was a struggle with self-worth.

It seemed like no matter what I did, there was a nagging voice in the back of my mind questioning my worthiness. Was I good enough? Was I deserving of love?

These questions often led to self-doubt, especially in challenging parenting moments. When my child threw tantrums or when we had disagreements, I found myself questioning my abilities as a parent.

There was one particularly tough night when my son refused to sleep, and nothing seemed to soothe him. Exhausted and overwhelmed, I broke down in tears, feeling like a failure.

But then, in that moment of vulnerability, I realized that my self-worth was not tied to perfect parenting moments. It was okay to have bad days. It was okay to feel overwhelmed.

And most importantly, it was okay to ask for help.

8) The unexpected gift of empathy

One might assume that growing up with a lack of affection would make one less empathetic.

But in my experience, it was quite the opposite. I found that my upbringing actually heightened my sense of empathy.

Perhaps it was because I knew what it felt like to crave affection and not receive it. Or maybe it was because I had learned to pick up on subtle cues and unspoken emotions.

Whatever the reason, I found myself being exceptionally attuned to my child’s emotional state.

This heightened empathy allowed me to connect with my child on a deeper level. It helped me understand their needs and emotions better, which in turn made me a more responsive parent.

9) The value of resilience

Growing up without much affection, I learned to be resilient. I didn’t crumble under adversity; instead, I learned to endure and bounce back.

When I became a parent, I discovered that this resilience was more than just a survival tool—it was a valuable life skill. It helped me navigate the ups and downs of parenthood with grace and determination.

However, my resilience also taught me an important lesson about vulnerability.

While it’s crucial to be strong, it’s equally important to allow ourselves to feel, to grieve, and to seek help when needed.

10) The power of intentional parenting

The most significant trait that my upbringing instilled in me was the power of intentional parenting.

This means being aware of how our actions, words, and emotions impact our children.

I realized that every choice I make as a parent—from the words I use to comfort my child to the way I express love—shapes their world.

This understanding has helped me be more conscious and mindful in my parenting approach. I strive to create an environment where my child feels loved, understood, and valued.

Final thoughts

Parenting has a way of making you confront yourself in ways you never expected. You think you’re just raising a child, but really, you’re re-raising parts of yourself, too.

Some days, that feels like a gift—like I get a second chance to learn the things I missed out on. Other days, it’s exhausting. But what keeps me going is the awareness that every choice I make, every hug I give, every moment I show up emotionally, is shaping something new.

And if you’ve read this far and found yourself nodding along, you’re not alone. A lot of us are out here, rewriting the playbook we were given, figuring it out as we go.

Carl Rogers once said, “What is most personal is most universal.” Maybe that’s the real takeaway here—our struggles, our realizations, our small victories? They connect us.

And they remind us that growth isn’t just possible—it’s happening, right now, in the little moments of awareness and effort we put in every day.