Just Like Me: an approach to marital conflict

It was a few months ago; something quite minor yielded a bit of an ‘ah-ha’ moment for me in my marriage. My husband was watching sports on Saturday morning as I cleared my breakfast dishes into the sink. My mind was going a mile a minute as I planned out my to-do list of chores I was going to take on over the weekend. “I’ll leave these here for now,” I thought. I just wanted a moment to finish my coffee before actually tackling anything. As I glanced back down at my dishes, I realized that had they been my husband’s dirty dishes left there, it so wouldn’t have been okay with me. I would have taken something ambiguous, like his dishes being in the sink and misconstrued it against him. I would have seen his dishes left in the sink as him leaving them for me to put away. Mine being left were completely harmless. This realization wasn’t just about dishes, but about everything. I realized then that there were fairly regular instances where I interpreted something inert that he did as an act against me. How messed up is that? The person I love the most in the world does something like leave his socks on the ground and I interpret it as a strike against him. Not cool. Since then, I’ve tried to check in with myself and bare in mind that our relationship isn’t a battlefield and he’s likely just dealing with the sleep deprivation, the weight of supporting our family financially, and everything else the best he can. But I certainly need the reminder readily.

Today in Yoga Teacher Training, our teacher, Anodea Judith shared these lines with us. I think it is a wonderful perspective to have when approaching moments of friction in a relationship.

Just like me, this person wants to be happy;
Just like me, this person longs to love and be loved;
Just like me, this person is learning;
Just like me, this person is doing the best they can.